Comparing Ourselves to Others is a Slippery Slope

Theodore Roosevelt took the words right out of my mouth: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

She has a bigger house than me…

She’s more driven than me…

Her face has less wrinkles than mine…

Lately, I’ve found myself having these types of thoughts far too often. It’s like having a song stuck in your head, but it’s not a fun catchy tune. Instead, it’s a bunch of lyrics about all the things you think you need to look/feel/be better. And it leaves you feeling less than.

If this song was playing on the radio, I’d just turn it off, change the station, problem solved. But it’s playing in my head, so, it’s not that simple. And the fact is, this whole idea of comparing ourselves to others is a natural, normal behavior. Everyone does it.

Let’s get technical for a second.

After doing some research, (i.e. Googling and reading what I deemed as credible content, I did not scour the library for hours on a bookshelf ladder a la that scene in Beauty and the Beast) I kept coming across what’s called the ‘Social Comparison Theory’. Developed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, it goes like this:

Individuals have an innate desire to self-evaluate, and we determine our worth by seeing how we stack up to others.

Sounds about right. I think we all have memories as children of measuring our abilities based on what our peers were doing. I certainly do. When you got a grade back on a test or paper, don’t you remember someone immediately asking you what you got? When I ran track, the comparison was smack in my face. I either ran faster or slower than someone, I was either better at running or worse at running than someone, because time is objective.

I’m picking up what Leon is putting down, but my qualm with all of this is why? Why does our self-worth have to be based on what someone else is doing/wearing/eating/saying/etc.? Don’t get me wrong, I am ALL for some healthy competition, and I do think it’s possible to compare yourself to others and gain something positive from it. Maybe seeing someone get in shape motivates you to exercise more which in turn lifts your mood, or maybe seeing someone start a fundraiser makes you realize you want to volunteer and give back more. This is wonderful. But, I think more often than not, the after affects of comparison are disappointment, or jealousy, or self-doubt, or all of the above, and I think a huge culprit of this is social media.

Social media is like kerosene poured on the flame of social comparison.

I saw that in one of the articles I read and was all like LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK PLEASE.

Seriously though, when you add social media into the comparison game, it takes it to the next level, and not always in a good way. You have this medium that’s right at your fingertips, 24/7, feeding you everyone’s ‘highlight reel’.

Oh look Sarah is in Bali for two weeks on a private yacht eating caviar out of a Gucci bowl (does Gucci make bowls? Don’t answer that).

Oh there’s Mary again making organic, grass fed meatballs for her children whose wardrobe cost more than mine.

Oh wow Ben got a new job doing exactly what I’ve dreamed of doing since I came out of the womb.

These are all fictional people, but you get the gist. It’s A LOT. But we keep coming back for more, even if it puts our happiness in jeopardy.

So what do we do? Well, what I’m not going to do is blame social media. I can whine about it and be bitter about it, but I wont say ‘It’s social media’s fault that I’m not feeling confident’, because that’s a cop-out. I think the problem, for me, is that I am consuming and reacting to content on social media the wrong way.

When I say I am consuming content the wrong way, I mean I am most likely following people I shouldn’t be following and being fooled by the smoke and mirrors.

When I say I am reacting to content the wrong way, I mean I let a picture impact how I feel about myself, instead of being realistic and saying ‘Hey, that’s great for them, although I bet that’s not how life is most of the time for him/her. Moving on…’

I’m sure some of you reading this (including my husband) are thinking ‘Hey Kathryn why don’t you just delete your social media? Out of sight out of mind!’ My answer to that is no. Ha! There are many aspects of social media that I do appreciate. I love connecting with people. I love seeing photos of my friends and their kids. I love that most of you probably found this blog because of social media. I even love using a code that I got from an influencer to get 40% off a sweater that I just had to have (this literally just happened, let me live). I just have to be smarter in how I approach social media.

So going back to good ole’ Teddy Roosevelt’s words, “Comparison is the thief of joy”, I’m changing my tune on that. I don’t think this quote is true. I think it should read: “Comparison CAN be the thief of joy.” You can compare yourself to others, and it can steal your joy, if you let it. Who are you comparing yourself to? What is the intention behind this comparison? We need to ask ourselves these types of questions in order to foster a healthy comparison. The goal is to go into it with the mindset of wanting to improve as an individual but knowing that there is only one of you, no one can be you, and that’s pretty dang cool.

Look, I’ll be real with you, I am still going to peruse social media and be envious of a perfectly organized walk in closet or wish I had the butt of a 23 year old, but then I’ll put my phone down, take a look at my unfiltered surroundings, and be grateful for the life that I have.