Why I’m Thankful for 2020

I know I know, you’re reading that title and thinking “is this lady crazy?” and to that I say yes, I am, BUT, hear me out…

Like many people, my experience with 2020 was not pleasant (and that’s putting it nicely). I went into the year hopeful but also scared. I was finishing up treatment for a 15+ year battle with an eating disorder (more on that at another time) all while being pregnant with identical twins and taking care of a toddler. To say I was overwhelmed is an understatement. However, these were all positive things.

Then Covid hit. The world shut down and everyone was trying to navigate this frightening, bizarre time. Still, I was lucky. I was cooped up with the people I love most. We were safe. We were healthy. Everything would be ok.

Then everything was not ok.

I went in for my 20 week check up, excited to see my boys. It seemed like everything was going smoothly, but then the nurse said I needed to wait for the doctor to get to the office so he could look at something. Next thing I know the doctor is standing in front of me explaining twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS). Basically, because the twins were identical, they shared a placenta, and this diagnosis meant that one of the twins, ‘Baby A’, was not getting the necessary nutrients from the placenta to grow properly.

Less than a week later I was lying in a hospital bed and Baby A was gone.

There is a lot more to this story and it’s extremely complicated and heart wrenching for me to relive. I don’t know if I will ever share it all, although perhaps putting it out in the universe could be healing.

So yeah, 2020 knocked me on my ass and spit in my face, and shoved me down whenever I tried to get back up.

But here’s the thing, I did get back up (well, maybe I’m not fully standing yet, but I’m off the ground).

As I type this, I truly don’t know how on earth I made it here. And by here I mean not in a constant puddle of tears on the floor unable to function. When we lost Baby A, I thought there was no way I’d ever be able to pick up the pieces. Once Baby B was here (which I had convinced myself was not going to happen, that I would lose him too) how was I going to be able to take care of him without breaking down every time I saw his face? Simply put, how was I supposed to go on?

The answer, I’ve come to realize, is that I am a strong person. It sounds so simple, and obviously there are other factors like the unwavering support and love from my family and friends, but what you have to understand is that I have spent my entire life never thinking I was strong.

I thought I was weak because I need therapy. I thought I was weak because I don’t have some big shot/high-paying career. I thought I was weak because I suffered from post partum depression. I thought I was weak because I still need help with my eating disorder. I thought I was weak because I couldn’t save my baby.

All of this just isn’t true, and 2020 helped me come to terms with that (although I still need some reminding).

2020 showed me a part of myself that I didn’t know existed. A part of myself that now that I’ve acknowledged is there, can be harnessed to overcome other obstacles and to be a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend – a better human being.

I will leave you with this quote from “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse” by Charlie Mackesy (highly recommend!!) that I know I really needed to hear and maybe you do too:

Sometimes just getting up and carrying on is brave and magnificent.