The Momlife Crisis

Fun fact: I used to be a television reporter.

Yes, I was one of those people you see on the news standing in front of a fire or protest or parade. I wanted to be Katie Couric. I mean we had the same initials so it was destiny right? Well I never made it to Katie Couric status but I did spend most of my 20s covering everything from Presidential elections to Amish buggy accidents (never change Lancaster, PA). I could write a whole separate blog about my experience in TV news, especially life as a ‘one man band’ reporter, but if you’ve never been in the business then you probably have no idea what it’s really like. The pay sucks, the hours suck, its high pressure and just overall a grind day in and day out. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it (well, until I didn’t). Every day was different and I felt special and like my job gave me purpose. I also felt like I had a pretty cool answer to the “what do you do?” question that without fail everyone asks when you first meet them. But, like I said, it’s grueling, and I hit my breaking point both mentally and physically. So I made the decision to leave the news. It was a huge relief, but then I was left with a big ‘now what?’ I took jobs here and there but nothing ever really stuck, and then I got pregnant. I put my professional life on the back burner, and two kids later, it’s still there.

Which brings me to the idea of a Momlife crisis. It’s like a midlife crisis, but the mom version. If you look up midlife crisis, there are varying definitions, but I’m going with this one: A transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in middle-aged individuals. So a Momlife crisis is a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in moms, and I feel like I’ve been in and out of one ever since I had my first child. It’s not necessarily a bad thing and I want to make it very clear that my children are my world and I know how lucky I am to have them. But I’m not gonna lie and say I haven’t struggled with both my identity and self-confidence since having them.

When you don’t have kids, you have a lot of freedom and simply put, you can be selfish. You can throw yourself into your job or a hobby or take a spontaneous trip somewhere. Not that you can’t do that with kids, it just takes a lot of planning and a lot of energy that quite frankly I don’t have.

When you have kids, young kids in particular, it’s survival mode, and it’s all about them. You run around all day feeding them, bathing them, playing with them, washing their clothes, washing their dishes, taking them to the doctor, taking them to the park, holding them, wiping their tears, changing their diapers, putting them to sleep, and at the end of the day you collapse on the couch and feel like you accomplished nothing and the Momlife crisis emotions kick in. At least they do for me. I feel like I should be doing more, that I should be more successful, more passionate about something (other than being a mom). I work remotely full time, and it helps keep my brain in shape, but it’s not really fulfilling. It’s not my dream job, but at the same time, I don’t even know what my dream job is, because a lot of the time I feel lost. I don’t really know who I am or what I want (the identity part) and I don’t feel proud of myself (the self-confidence part).

So what do I do? Do I start applying to jobs that I think would fill this hole? That would get me out of the house and require me to put real clothes on? But I don’t want that. I like being home with my baby. I don’t want to miss out on these moments. I like taking Luke to school and being there when he gets home to hear all about his day. I like that I can drop everything to take them to the doctor in the middle of the day when they’re sick. Yes it’s frustrating and lonely at times, but it’s a privilege that not everyone has, and what I’ve realized is that this season of life is fleeting. It’s not forever, nothing is. 

And that’s it. That’s what I’ve been reflecting on and trying to work through, the fact that this is a season a life.

A season of diapers, a season of ‘I want mommy’, a season of meltdowns, a season of pure joy when there’s an excavator down the street, a season of wearing the same rotation of leggings and t-shirts, a season of long stroller walks, a season of endless laundry and dishes, a season of Paw Patrol, a season of ear infections, a season of complete selflessness, a season of imperfection, a season of measuring success not by your career or how cool your job is but by how you’re taking care of your family. It’s a season of soaking in every moment because you know that you’ll blink and those moments will be a distant memory.  

I’m trying to learn to surrender myself to this season of life. Because I know I’ll miss it one day. There will come a time when I can focus more on my career and my passions. I do try to fit in that ‘me time’. I’m doing it now by sitting down and writing this blog (although full disclosure Liam is biting my leg and trying to climb on my chair). I’m aware that I need take care of myself to be able to take care of my children, and I’ll admit I am not the best at that, but hey, I’m a work in progress. We all are.

What I’m trying to say is, maybe all of this is less of a Momlife crisis, and more of just life as a mom. And maybe I’m not lost. Maybe I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.